Evan David's Nursery

At one point I was lucky enough to have my holistic chiropractor help me with my fight or flight response in dealing with my impending birth. It helped me finish some last minute things and forget about birth for a few days but the fear still came back. As August literally turned into September I think I reached my peak. I tried to forget about birthing but logically I knew I was just trying to "run away" from my fear (in my mind that is not literally). The down side to my increasing negative thoughts was the fact that Evan decided to resituate himself a bit. He was no longer engaged like he was before. Before he was engaged at a +1 or +2 station I was 4-5cm dilated 50% effaced and my bag of waters was bulging but the latest exam found him to be disengaged but I was effaced more to about 70-80% and still at a 4-5cm status. Ironically to find out things were going backwards disappointed me more than relieved me. So I worked a little harder at positive thinking and did a lot more walking.

I felt even more pressure to clear my fears and negativity. Still the thought of giving birth would send my heart racing and my BP to rise a little and a rush of panic would engulf me. I felt horrible; as a birth advocate; to be sitting around wanting and dreaming of a pain free epidural birth in a hospital. But my dream of that included no nurses or doctors which I know would never happen, LOL, but it was still something I kind of was hoping for. Talk about a fantasy birthing situation! Any ways; Joe tried to comfort me as best he could but wanted me to try and just forget about birth. That was something I didn't want to do. I wanted to talk about it. I'm a woman and I need to talk about things like this to feel better. LOL

So at about 2:20am on Sept 1st I decided to pop in my friend's homebirth video. Amazingly it seemed to be just what I needed. Watching her give birth really helped me gain the courage and strength I had been looking and longing for. It helped me to reconnect to Evan more in a way too and helped me to actually want to hold and cuddle my baby on the outside. She gave birth on "land" and I know how painful that is (been there done that) and I was planning a waterbirth so I knew mine would be a little less painful; or at least I hoped it would be. Still Jaylen's birth was kind of traumatic for me in how super fast and painful it was, as well as still kind of fresh in my memory. I think that is what was really holding me back a little. Joe says he thinks my reservations about giving birth stemmed from me really wanting a girl instead of a boy. I think that it might have really added to my fears too.

Feeling a little better about giving birth, I tried going back to bed but small contractions kept waking me up. At about 5am Jaylen woke up for some reason. I got her teething tablets while Joe fixed her another bottle and thankfully she went back to sleep. Joe went right to sleep too but I on the other hand started experiencing slightly stronger contractions. Plus every time I started to doze off Joe would start snoring too loud. So at about 6am I went out into the livingroom to try and sleep. I got all settled, still with the contractions but now the stupid cat started meowing it's head off from somewhere. I couldn't tell if it was outside or inside until it started scratching at upstairs door from the opposite side. Ugh, so I got up again and let the cat out of the stairwell.

I then tried to resettle myself in the recliner again. I was fairly comfortable but the contractions seemed to get a bit stronger now. Tired and frustrated I decided to play some solitaire on the computer to take my mind of the contractions. They'd come and go and most of them I'd have to breath or concentrate through but nothing horrible yet. I debated on waking Joe to check me to see if these contractions that had been going on now for a good 4 hours were doing anything other than annoying me, but I decided against it for now. Jaylen was soon to wake up and I thought maybe if I got some good rest the contractions would stop. So I played solitaire until Jaylen woke up so I could kick Joe out of the room and so I could get some sleep in.

I was tired enough that while the contractions were stronger than normal I was able to go to sleep around 8am. (Saturday, Sept 1 still) I told Joe what had happened all night with being awake and the contractions and all and he then let me rest while he took care of the kids. I slept until about 12 in the afternoon. No real contractions after that.

After I got up we got everyone ready to go grocery shopping. I wanted to walk around more but not alone and we needed to get food. Two birds with one stone really. So the family headed to Aldi's. Not much to report from that. bought food, brought it home, put it away, LOL.

Joe and the kids tried to clean the house a bit, and then the kids played outside. Joe cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes (woo hoo). I was still tired so I laid down again for a nap with Jaylen. The day was kind of long and boring. We didn't do much of anything really. We did get KFC for dinner, but that was about it. Yeah I know - we just went shopping so why not cook something, LOL - we didn't feel like it. ;)

So we cleaned dinner up got the kids in bed and I was still overly tired and went to bed early too. However, I didn't sleep long! I was up around 11pm-ish with some contractions again. Around 12am September 2nd I decided to have Joe check me to see if progress was being made. Lo and behold it was. He declared me to be a good 5-6cm now and close to 80% or more effaced. He could feel Evan's head but couldn't really get a reading on what position he was in - postierior or anterior that is. Still progress was progress but the fear of birth kept panicking me, especially now that it seemed like birth was much closer than the night before.

I watched my friend's birth video again hoping it would help calm me, but it didn't have the same effect on me as it had the day before. (Although I cry every time I hear her baby cry for the first time in the video.) So I thought I'd try and meditate with some positive thoughts as well as music and try to calm myself down. But with every contraction came a mini panic attack and when I had one I had Joe take my BP at one point to see what kind of effect it was having on me. It read 120/90, and at that point Joe really stressed how much I needed to calm down. So we sat out in the livingroom together and prayed for strength and calmness. He then helped me try to relax by giving me a massage while I did positive thinking techniques and tried to meditate.

I don't know how well it helped or worked. I'd be okay for a few minutes and then I'd think about pushing the baby out and it would start all over again. At around 2am Joe decided to set the birthing pool up. I decided I really needed to calm down so I went to the 24hr Walgreen's and got a homeopathic nervous tension relaxant, called Calms Forte. I took the middle dosage of only 2 pills and just hoped it would help calm me down some. With the contractions and mini panic attacks I was NOT having a fun night/morning. Within about an hour's time I could start to feel myself relax a bit and my panic attacks weren't as strong as they were before. But I didn't have time to relax too much since around 3:40am my water finally broke.

A little nervous now, knowing that this baby was really coming today. I had Joe check me mostly to see if he could get a better fontenal reading since now the bag of waters was broken. He still couldn't tell which was frustrating but I was dilated more and fully effaced.

Knowing how fast I usually go with births I decided to get into the pool and the water was kind of luke warmish so I had Joe crank up the heat of the water. It felt good even though the contractions had pretty much stopped. We just kind of sat around waiting for contractions to start up again but there wasn't much to chit chat about so I had Joe get the clock radio and plug that it. He set the time on it and tuned it to some music and it helped take my mind off the silence and the impending birth panic attacks. Joe had the huge cup so he could pour water over my belly or back, depending on my position, when I'd have a contraction.

By 4:30ish I had had some contractions that I needed to really concentrate through and breath through. Then things just took off. They started coming really close together and when I could talk between them I'd state my desire to go to the hospital for the epidural and how much I REALLY did not want to give birth right now. I mean I literally cried a couple of times stating that I was NOT ready for this; knowing full well that I couldn't stop it or just get up and head off to the hospital at this point in time.

I soon started getting pushy and would slightly push with a contraction if I felt like it so I knew I was close so we woke Sariah and Rachel up so they could be present for Evan's birth like they wanted to be. I gave them specific instructions to NOT speak to me, as horrible as that sounds, but other than Joe and the radio I don't think I could have handled one of them talking to me. Joe explained things to them as I suddenly found myself bearing down with a vengence now and had grabbed ahold of Joe's clothing with all of my might as I pushed. He tried to get me to let go so he could check where Evan was but I refused his request to have me let go and I told him Evan was fine and I needed him right where he was.

The first couple of big pushes felt like I was making absolutely no progress. I wasn't feeling Evan's head pass my pubic bone like I had with the other 4. In fact I'd push, feel him come down some and then for some reason I would literally, and somewhat conscienciously, suck him back up into my body a bit. It was ironic; here I was pretty much fighting myself to get this baby out of me. My fears were holding and pulling him back and yet my logical side kept trying to push him out. After about 2-3 of these tug-o-war pushes I got mad at myself and made my logical side take over.

I started calling Evan out. "Come on Evan! Come out! You can do this!" This is what I kept repeating inbetween contractions. The most annoying thing was Joe telling me to breath while I was pushing. I'd start to push and he'd suddenly tell me to "BREATH Stephanie, you've got to BREATH" and I am thinking - 'Duh, but I got to push this kid out.' or I'd think 'SHUT THE HELL UP!' But I knew he was right too and because of our previous birthing conversations in reminding me to not to push so fast and furious so I did try and slow things down a bit and I breathed a bit more and slowed down some.

Pretty soon I felt Evan's head finally emerge. Joe had already taken off his shirt and pried himself out of my grip so he could manage Evan's birth a bit better. He checked for a cord and found none as I cried for him to pull him out the rest of the way - and again logically I knew he couldn't. I breathed through half a contraction and finally pushed Evan out the rest of the way - Sweet relief! Joe looked up and called out the time of birth (5:04am) as he handed Evan to me.

We threw a towel on him as he took his first breath and immediately cried. He had almost no vernix on him, unlike his preceeding siblings had. Sariah and Rachel still watching intensely came in closer for a better look now. Both excited to have witnessed his birth and to be looking at their new baby brother for the very first time.

Family life continued on . . . .

I don't know why I found myself fearful of this birth. I am not sure if it was truly because I didn't want another boy and really wanted a girl this time; or if it is because I truly remember what birth can feel like and I know how freakin' painful it can be and just did not want to experience it again. All I know is that it held me back a couple of times but I worked through and pushed through (literally). I have a beautiful baby boy to show for it and another little badge of honor.

Many have asked already if I am "done". Honestly right now, I couldn't tell you. I don't believe Evan is our last one, I do believe we have one more to add to our family. Will we homebirth again? ROFLOL well if you as asking me right now, I'd probably say 'Hell no!' since painfree has a nice ring to it. But I am sure I will probably still do another unassisted home water birth with the last one too. But if do have more of those birthing fears again then I might just opt for that dreamy staff free but epidural hospital birth.. :D LOL I guess only time will tell at this point.